Celebrity Apprentice: Welcome D-Listers

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The train wreck that is Celebrity Apprentice premiered tonight. 60’s hearthrob David Cassidy was the first to go home. Why? Because Survivor’s Richard Hatch, who should have gone home, bullied him? No, it’s because Richard’s abrasive personality is better for ratings.

On to the contestants:

Who has had more plastic surgery, David Cassidy or LaToya Jackson? It’s a toss-up.

Gary Busey is looney-tunes. Survivor’s Richard Hatch and Starr Jones have surprisingly similar bossy personalities and inflated opinions of themselves.

Marlee Matlin is probably a very nice person, but having her accompanied by a guy who repeats what’s said to and by her in sign language is an unwelcome distraction. I can’t imagine how disjointed the show will be when she’s project manager.

Rapper Lil’ John has attitude issues. Jose Canseco sis one of the more likable contestants, but seems to have some nerve-related physical issues. Maybe it was just a shaky camera.

Dionne Warwick is inept at even the smallest task, like running a credit card through a machine. She rationalizes “I’m used to buying things with credit cards, not processing them.” Translation: She thinks it’s beneath her.

Lisa Rinna is overly-opinionated, b*tchy and has no filter. I don’t think she’ll last long. Unless they need her to play the role of major trouble-maker, pitting people against each other.

The most normal ones seem to be Nikki Taylor and Meatloaf. LaToya Jackson so far has a positive personality. Most of the other contestants I’ve never even heard of, including a country singer who seems overly anxious to prove he isn’t just a bumpkin. Good luck with that.

If Donald Trump manages to make this woeful crew of misfits seem functional by the end, he’s missed his true calling. He should be launching Donald Trump Ministries and Rehabilitation Centers and give the opportunity to ex-inmates needing help with re-entry rather than this spoiled, wacked-out group of faux-celebrities.